I've made Him too small.

As I walk the house and clean today, on my day off, I had the christian music channel on the tv.  A song started playing that caught my attention. It was What Do I Know of Holy by Addison Road. And just as it caught my attention the lyrics "I think I've made you too small" was sung. My heart sunk and my eyes filled with tears. I have made Him too small. Too small to heal my heart. Too small to fill this void of loss. Too small to even care about my pain.

My heart pounds and aches all at the same time.

It pounds because I know its true. And it aches because it is all my choice. I have to chose to let Him heal me. I have to chose to let Him fill this void. I have to chose to be ok. It's hard though. It's hard to "move on." Because life will never be the same. It will never be "normal" again, it is a new normal. A bad normal, if you ask me.  And then comes the hard part. I can chose to let God begin to heal me... or I can wallow in grief, pain and pity for the rest of my life. Yes I have a reason to be grieving and in pain. But that doesn't mean I have to LIVE like that.

I pray to God that I can accept HIS healing and begin to walk in it. And when sad days come I will grieve and be sad, but I chose to not walk around in a state of sadness everyday. I want joy. I want life. I want healing. I want peace. I want love.

God, I pray that you surround me with YOUR healing hands. YOU are the ONLY one that can heal my heart. You are bigger than grief. You are bigger than loss. You are bigger than unanswered questions. You are bigger than my broken heart. I surrender to you.

Forgive me for making You too small.

A challenge to love or retreat.

On Monday April 23 my life changed forever. My mom called me at 7:02 am, with a call that has rocked me to the core. She found my 34 yr brother, who is 1 yr 4 months older than me, dead in his bedroom. He overdosed on heroin the night before.

And now here I am. Left with the pain and heartache. And the question as to what I am going to do about this. Will I continue to Love Real Big... or will I retreat. Retreating seems safer. If I never get close to anyone again then losing them will not be as painful. Yes, retreating sounds like the best option. If I Love Real Big then when/if I lose them.... then I will Hurt Real Big. That sounds horrible. I do not like that choice.

You see, for years, and I do mean years. I prayed and prayed for my brother. I fasted. I cried. I begged God.. and him.. for a change. To see him set free. To see him live free and enjoy life. I never gave up hope that one day he would be all God created him to be. I imagined him with a family... happy... fulfilled... and living with purpose. I loved him real big. I forgave him.. many times. I opened my arms to him and hugged him tight, believing the best in him. I miss him terribly. And sadly, I never saw him live out his purpose here all this earth. My heart is broken. My dreams were crushed. Why did I love so big, why did I trust so much. Why didn't I just give up and walk away. The pain would be less right now, right? Isn't the loss of one loved one enough? How can I trust that I will never lose another loved one. Losing my dad at age 23 was bad enough, and now this? The sensible thing is to disconnect. Cut my self off.

As these questions and thoughts roll thru my head God speaks..... "you are just who I called to do foster care- continue on." But God, that could mean loss after loss after loss as we attach to these kids and they potentially return home to their families. Am I prepared to deal with that? No I'm not. But He is. He holds my life in His hands. He challenges me to step outside of my fear and continue to Love Real Big- despite the possibility of loss, despite the probability of loss. He is greater than any loss that we may have.

He stands with arms outstretched.... ready to catch us... ready to hold us. He is the peace maker. The ONE and ONLY that can bring peace to our broken hearts.

Taking time for us!!

This last week has been on of the best weeks of my life. Sounds dramatic, but it really was. After 12 years of marriage, 3 kids and lots of LIFE in between we FINALLY took a week for just US! To be husband and wife... and thats it. We have done many trips alone but most of the time we take trips with other couple friends from church. This time it was meant to be different, like a little recharging for our marriage. And boy was it.

We spent time in Indianapolis and then went to Chicago. It reminded me why I love my husband so much! Normally we go days without really talking or spending time together, because of our schedule, so this was heaven for me. To have him all to myself!!

I thank God for the time away, for all the people in our life that love us and helped us with the kids. thank God for this time of rest and refreshing with my husband!!

I just love how God disrupts our plans...

and that is exactly what has happened to us. As of 8 months ago we were planning to adopt two children from Uganda Africa. Our hearts were all in, our dedication was through the roof.... UNTIL.. yep. God disrupted OUR plans. I guess I should give a background.

Tim and I have been married for 12 years and have ALWAYS wanted to adopt. We have 3 kids of our own and about a year ago really started feeling like it was time. Our research led us to Africa and we fell in love with the children there. We began making plans. First plan was to buy our own home.... one big enough for more kids....so, we had it all planned. Made an offer on a house in July and were going to start the process in Aug, which meant we would be going over to Africa the next summer (taking our kids with us) to bring our adopted kids home. Well, so much for that plan LOL The house process didn't go as planned, we got the house we wanted but the process took 3 months longer than expected. It threw our plans out the window. I was not happy. BUT God began working other plans, bringing people in our life that dropped little hints and ideas in front of us, none of them sounded appealing to me, at all. (Just being truthful!) It wasn't what I planned. It wasn't what I wanted. After MUCH prayer and thought, God has really birthed something in us. A desire I thought I'd never have. Although, my husband says it has always been in the back of his mind as the way we should go.... well, thanks a lot for speaking up LOL So, we are becoming foster parents. With the hopes of adopting, if God leads.

We started classes last week and we are learning so much. There is such a great need for foster families. We are not sure what to expect but we know that this is the way God is leading so He is in control. I'm learning that God knows what is best for us, and that His plans are always... not sometimes... but ALWAYS best for us. I'l trust Him with the unknown and be obedient!

Ready to move on..

and finally we can!

This has been a rough road for us. Several months ago when we first decided that it was time to pursue adoption, our first goal was to buy our first home. We were down sizing to save money, I know, and adding two kids, sounds crazy. LOL We have always rented and it was time to buy. We found an awesome house in our area, 5 bedrooms, plenty of room for our 2 waiting on us ;) We made an offer and the journey began. Days before closing we were informed that our mortgage lady messed up our credit by a string of events. Needless to say, we had to move out of the house were were renting (new tenants were moving in) and moved into a house that our church owns, while the credit bureau worked to straighten it all out. Obviously we changed mortgage companies and started again. Now, 3 months later we have closed on our house and are moving in after the 1st of the year. Yay!! So, step one is over!!! So glad we can move on.

Now we can focus on saving and raising money to get the adoption going. Keep us in your prayers!

Dream

The other day after a very hard day, a very discouraging day, I came home and went to bed. I was weary and tired. I drifted off to sleep and had one of the most vivid dreams that I have ever had. I don't know that it was from God, but I kinda feel like it was. Just encouragement if nothing else. A reminder that something good is coming. Here was my dream.

I was at work, JCPenney, and we were all dressed in our Christmas shirts and up at the jewelry counter. The manager, my boss, called us up there for a Christmas party. It was all of us employees and a bunch of kids, a bunch of African kids to be exact. They were all playing and laughing, except one, she was sitting on the jewelry counter, all by herself. She looked sad and alone, and almost like she was different than the other kids, maybe like she had an illness. And before it started he said he wanted to make an announcement. He said that he knew that we all had heard of the Angel tree but he wanted us to do something different, he wanted us to pick out an angel to adopt but this time we don't just buy them gifts, we actually adopt them. Immediately I was thrilled. Everyone started scurrying around trying to pick out the friendliest and cutest kid, I was drawn to the little girl on the counter. I went straight to her. She wouldn't even look at me in the face. She looked so pitiful. My heart hurt for her. I tried talking to her, but she wouldn't let me. She was very resistant. Even crying when I tried to hold her. But by the end of the night, she was sitting on my lap, asleep against my chest.

And that was when I woke up. I don't know if God was giving me a vision of our little girl, or if that dream was just a little encouragement about our adoption and the wait. But, I wouldn't be surprised if its not the last time I see that little face.

Can't wait!

I'm sitting at the Gardendale parade, watching my 3 kids laugh and scream for candy. People are talking, horns are honking, the bands are playing....and all I can think about are my babies in Africa. I can't wait. My eyes filled with tears with anticipation of having them there, with me, with their family.

I know to some this seems crazy. Maybe even weird. But it is so real in me. The longing I have for them is deep with in. And even though I do not yet know who my babies are, I love them. I long to hold them. We are still at least 18 months away from bringing them home.... and I can't wait. Love Real Big!!