Update

I haven't blogged in quite a while now. I am going to try to catch up and blog regularly. Having 6 kids kind of limits the free time I have LOL.

We still have our 3 foster kids that we got in July. We go to court May 22 for PFA (protection from abuse) trial for the parents. Once that is settled then we will go from there. But they can not return to either mom or dad until that is settled.

I'm already dreading the day they leave us. They have been a part of our family. 2 of them have had birthdays, they have been with us for every holiday and they feel like they have always been here. It's amazing how I can love some one else's kids just like they are mine. I don't know how my kids are going to be when they leave, I know they love them so much.

I am so thankful for the opportunity to love them when they have needed it most. I must go now, the laundry is calling my name.

Take a minute to brag...

Tonight I just want to take a minute to brag on my family.

You see, when we started this journey a year or so ago I was over whelmed with anticipation, joy and excitement to fulfill this calling.... the calling to care for Orphans. And, I must admit, we are in a little different place than I originally thought we would be... but that is thanks to God. His ways are higher than mine, so I keep trusting.

Tonight we decided to surprise our 3 big kids (biological) and take them out to see a movie. We don't do that often, most of the time it is to the $1 theatre to see a movie that has been out for a few months. LOL But, we haven't been off with just them since we got our 3 foster kids so we decided to surprise them with a night out.

While we were out I just couldn't stop thinking about how blessed I am. To have such an amazing husband and kids. A husband and children that see God's heart to care for orphans. A husband willing to work his tail off for his 3 kids.... plus 3 more....because despite what you have heard, foster parents don't do it to be rich. That is FAR from the truth. A husband that, instead of running every morning(his favorite hobby), takes 2 little kids to day care while I take the school age kids. And kids that make sacrifices every day just so we can care for 3 kids that need some love right now.  I have watched my kids be so sweet and tender toward these kids... it just melts my heart. And I just can't help but thank God for this opportunity, and for letting me be wife and mom in this family.

I am excited to see where God takes us in this journey, and I thank Him for His grace, mercy and guidance as we walk out this calling.

Now, an update! We had court last week and the judge wants mom to work some more stuff out so she kept the kids in our custody and set a new court date for Feb 28. So, we will have them thru then. Christmas should be exciting!!! We are so blessed to share our hearts and home with them and cant wait to spend the Holidays with them!

Thanks for reading and thanks for all of the support!

Also, a photo from our night!!

Fear, fear and more fear

I hate spiders. Not afraid of them, but I don't like them.

I hate mayonaise. I'm not afraid of it, just don't like it.

But I will tell you. My fears are many. Nope, not really afraid of bugs, critters or animals. I'm not an animal person... at all, yet I don't fear them.

The fears I have are big fears. And if one of those fears ever becomes a reality, well, you better forget it, I look around every corner waiting for all of my fears to come into existence.

For instance, if you are fearful that you will break a leg and you actually really break a leg, then you will then be 10 times more afraid that it will happen again.

In my case it isn't a broken leg.

I have always been afraid of losing people. Not necessarily people walking out on me, but losing them to death.

I don't ever really remember fearing this until age 17 when my dad was diagnosed with stage 4 colon cancer. From that moment on I was extremely fearful. I feared losing him. I feared losing my mom to cancer as well. I feared losing my siblings. ect. The list goes on and on. Well, my dad fought a great fight and lived for 6 years... yes... 6 years with stage 4 cancer. It was a miracle, and yet still wasn't long enough for me. Well, after he died I can remember laying in bed wondering who was going to be next. I had nightmares about Tim dying. I just knew I was about to lose everyone I loved. I was terrified.

I made it almost 10 years and then BAM... out of no where I lost my brother Paul. And wow.... those fears came rushing back in. Who will be next. How will I lose them. Will I survive. The fear is never ending. It went from a "I hope I don't lose someone else to"- "Oh my gosh, when I lose so and so I am not going to make it." Satan plays on those fears.

Losing loved ones are a part of life. A terrible, horrible, awful truth of life.... everyone must die. And those that love them are left to deal with the grief and pain... and fear.

God is the only way thru those dark days. He doesn't promise me that I won't ever lose another loved one. Yet, He does promise me that He will never leave me nor forsake me. And He hasn't.

Update!

We have had our 3 foster kids for about 7 weeks now. And boy are we in love!

They are so precious! Every day we fall more and more in love with them.

The middle boy, who they told us was 4, actually turned out to be 3. We celebrated his 4th birthday on Monday! It was so awesome. He was so excited over the cake and presents. His smile lit up the room.

I think they adjusting well, and so are we. Having 6 kids is a bit harder than having 3! But thank God that He not only put this desire in mine and Tim's heart, but also our kids, because they are such a big help. They love them and help out with them so much.

Today they had their 1st visit with their mom since we got them. They seem to be doing ok since them. They went during school today so they were picked up from school/daycare and then taken back when the visit was over. All of their teachers said they were fine when they returned. So that makes me happy, I worried about them coming back to school crying.

So now, we just continue to love them. We go to court on September 13 so I guess we will know more then!

Things change in a minutes time.

I know this to be a good and bad thing. But today. It was a good thing.

I was busy with the kids, cleaning, on my off day, when I get a phone call. It is our caseworker's number. So I answer with anticipation. She asked if we are willing to take a placement today. Today?
She has a sibling set of 3. 3?  5 & 4 year old boys and a 22 month old girl.

We said yes!

They were brought by the worker around 7:20 pm and boy has it been crazy around here. They are very sweet kids, and fit in great here..... except, they do not speak english. HA HA God sure has a sense of humor. They speak spanish. Other than that minor issue we are great.

We had a great night until bedtime. Then our hearts were broken. The 5 year old cried for "momma" for about 40 minutes. How heartbreaking it was to not be able to take the pain away. God please help something we do and say show him that he is loved. And that he is safe. And God, help that mother, who's heart must be breaking as well. I can't image the brokenness from losing your kids. I pray for peace. Peace for the kids and peace for the parents. I pray for restoration for this mom. Healing. Maturity. Freedom. All that it takes to be the mom that she needs to be for these precious children.

Thank you God for this opportunity to Love Real Big!

I've made Him too small.

As I walk the house and clean today, on my day off, I had the christian music channel on the tv.  A song started playing that caught my attention. It was What Do I Know of Holy by Addison Road. And just as it caught my attention the lyrics "I think I've made you too small" was sung. My heart sunk and my eyes filled with tears. I have made Him too small. Too small to heal my heart. Too small to fill this void of loss. Too small to even care about my pain.

My heart pounds and aches all at the same time.

It pounds because I know its true. And it aches because it is all my choice. I have to chose to let Him heal me. I have to chose to let Him fill this void. I have to chose to be ok. It's hard though. It's hard to "move on." Because life will never be the same. It will never be "normal" again, it is a new normal. A bad normal, if you ask me.  And then comes the hard part. I can chose to let God begin to heal me... or I can wallow in grief, pain and pity for the rest of my life. Yes I have a reason to be grieving and in pain. But that doesn't mean I have to LIVE like that.

I pray to God that I can accept HIS healing and begin to walk in it. And when sad days come I will grieve and be sad, but I chose to not walk around in a state of sadness everyday. I want joy. I want life. I want healing. I want peace. I want love.

God, I pray that you surround me with YOUR healing hands. YOU are the ONLY one that can heal my heart. You are bigger than grief. You are bigger than loss. You are bigger than unanswered questions. You are bigger than my broken heart. I surrender to you.

Forgive me for making You too small.

A challenge to love or retreat.

On Monday April 23 my life changed forever. My mom called me at 7:02 am, with a call that has rocked me to the core. She found my 34 yr brother, who is 1 yr 4 months older than me, dead in his bedroom. He overdosed on heroin the night before.

And now here I am. Left with the pain and heartache. And the question as to what I am going to do about this. Will I continue to Love Real Big... or will I retreat. Retreating seems safer. If I never get close to anyone again then losing them will not be as painful. Yes, retreating sounds like the best option. If I Love Real Big then when/if I lose them.... then I will Hurt Real Big. That sounds horrible. I do not like that choice.

You see, for years, and I do mean years. I prayed and prayed for my brother. I fasted. I cried. I begged God.. and him.. for a change. To see him set free. To see him live free and enjoy life. I never gave up hope that one day he would be all God created him to be. I imagined him with a family... happy... fulfilled... and living with purpose. I loved him real big. I forgave him.. many times. I opened my arms to him and hugged him tight, believing the best in him. I miss him terribly. And sadly, I never saw him live out his purpose here all this earth. My heart is broken. My dreams were crushed. Why did I love so big, why did I trust so much. Why didn't I just give up and walk away. The pain would be less right now, right? Isn't the loss of one loved one enough? How can I trust that I will never lose another loved one. Losing my dad at age 23 was bad enough, and now this? The sensible thing is to disconnect. Cut my self off.

As these questions and thoughts roll thru my head God speaks..... "you are just who I called to do foster care- continue on." But God, that could mean loss after loss after loss as we attach to these kids and they potentially return home to their families. Am I prepared to deal with that? No I'm not. But He is. He holds my life in His hands. He challenges me to step outside of my fear and continue to Love Real Big- despite the possibility of loss, despite the probability of loss. He is greater than any loss that we may have.

He stands with arms outstretched.... ready to catch us... ready to hold us. He is the peace maker. The ONE and ONLY that can bring peace to our broken hearts.