My heart is in Africa..

Today my heart is in Africa. As I listen to my kids play outside in the yard I can't help but long for our 2 kids from Africa to join them. I can't wait to wrap my arms around them and love on them. I can't wait to give them a hot meal and nice warm house to live in. Honestly, I can't wait to see which kids God has designed to be in our Forever Family.

There are just some days that it's all I think about. I just wish it was easier. Wish the funds were sitting in our account and we could bring them home faster. But, until God brings us all together, we will just wait. And continue to pray for our kids!

Thank you God for this longing that you have put in our heart!! We trust you will all of the provision and plans.

Joy in my kids..

(Picture of: My kids, and Gabby and my mom!)

So, last night was Halloween and I'm still beaming from the joy that my kids brought me.

Now, before you get all crazy on me, listen to what I am saying. We are not real crazy about Halloween, we don't do witches, devils and evil. BUT, we do let the kids participate and have fun.

Last night was the first night that we let the kids really trick or treat. We are always at church Fall Festivals, and then normally just go to a few Aunt's and close friends houses. This year after we hit the Aunt's houses we decided to let the kids go thru the neighborhood while we followed. You would have thought that we took them to Disney World. They were thrilled to death!!

If they thanked us once they thanked us a thousand times. I enjoyed watching the kids just be kids. The pure excitement and joy just melted my heart.

I remember those times as a child. Just being kids. Laughing. Playing.

I can't help but think about God, and His love for us. And how He delights in us. How we are His kids, and we, each and everyone of us, mean something to Him. He aren't all lumped together, just as my kids aren't. I love them individually and uniquely. And just as I delight in them being my children, God delights in us. I just love Him!!

It's not always someone else's fault.

In a message tonight preached by Dusty Hammock titled "Private Pain," He said "It's not always someone esle's fault," and boy, that hit a nerve with me.

Just the title hit a nerve, actually. He couldn't have preached anything more timely.

I am at the end of walking out some very private pain. A very long lasting pain that I have been praying for restoration, that seemingly was no where to be found. I have never known pain like it. And most wouldn't have known I was even in pain, hince, private pain. So, just the title resognated in my spirit.

One of the things that I have learned over the last few years of walking thru this, is that IT IS NOT ALWAYS SOMEONE ELSE'S FAULT. And truth be told, this private pain that I have been in, was entirely MY fault. Yes, there were other people involved, BUT, the fault still lies in me.

In life, pain is inevitable. It's gonna happen. But sometimes.... we bring it into our life through bad choices. Sometimes bad choices take a LONG time to walk out. Sometimes, God strips you of alot of people, and things, to get you to the place that HE has for you. And, restoration almost never looks the way you envisioned.

With that said, I am greatly encouraged tonight. My heart is full of joy. I literally could blog all night, with many different titles, and still not feel like I said all I am feeling and thinking.

I am grateful to a God that doesn't give up on us. I am grateful that HE loved me enough to die for me, so that I can live. I am grateful for His mercy and grace and His healing power. And I am in awe of His power to restore. His power to restore back to Him, His power to restore marriages, His power to restore faith, His power to restore relationships.

What a Great and Mighty God we serve!

Deuteronomy 7:9

⁹ “Therefore know that the LORD your God, He is God, the faithful God who keeps covenant and mercy for a thousand generations with those who love Him and keep His commandments;

No time for regrets

Lately all I can think about is spending quality time with my kids. Despite the crazy roller coaster we have been on, I make a conscious effort to be with them. I'm realizing that life doesn't slow down for anyone or anything. After all, my oldest is now 11! That just doesn't seem right.

I am so blessed that I got to be a stay at home mom with our kids, before they got in school. I cherished those moments. There was nothing more I wanted to do with my life, than to stay at home with my kids. Just the thought of leaving them nearly sent me into a panic attack. Oh, it was rough. Some days (weeks) are just a blur to me. Having 3 in 4.5 years can be challenging. But I have to say, I have so many wonderful memories of being with my kids. And I am so grateful for those years.

Now that they are in school and I am working we don't have all day together :( It is easy to just pick them up from school and be busy with homework, dinner, baths and bed without REALLY being together. My prayer is that God helps me to enjoy the little things with them. To notice them and to be here for them. To stop what I am doing and talk, listen and play with them. Before I know it they will be grown and gone.

Then:

Now:

I know that You are for me.

The simple words to a song just got me.

I haven't blogged in quite awhile. There has been so much going on, and to be honest my mind and heart has been all over the place lately, If I had tried blogging it would have been so confusing, to everyone, but me. I hadn't planned on blogging this morning but I was just cleaning and listening to my music on shuffle when God just used a song to speak to my heart.

The words:

I know that You are for me
I know that You are for me
I know that You will never
Forsake me in my weakness

I'm reminded that God is FOR me.

No matter what we go thru in life or where we find ourselves, He is FOR us. So many times we listen to the whispers that He doesn't care, that He isn't with us. What a lie. God created us. He is for us.

Could you image NOT being for your child. The child you created? Could you imagine turning your head in their time of hurt and pain. What about in their time of confusion and loneliness? Could you just walk away from them. Or are you standing there, arms opened wide, waiting on them to fall into your arms?

I believe God is standing there waiting, waiting for us to trust Him. Waiting for us to quit trying in our own strength and give into His love and protection. Just as sometimes as parents we don't swoop in and change the things our kids are walking thru, we are their to love and comfort them...as they go thru them. There are some things in life we just must simply walk thru.

Trust God today that He is for you.

Psalm 18:2
The LORD is my rock and my fortress and my deliverer;My God, my strength, in whom I will trust; My shield and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold.

I love roller coasters...

but this one has been a bit much. I don't really think I am quite tall enough for it and would like to get off. :)

Since our yard sale I have not blogged. Shame on me. But wow, I don't even know where to start. During the yard sale time we were also in the process of buying our first home. We were already approved, made an offer on a house and paid the down payment. 2 days before closing we had a slight problem and the closing date was pushed back a few days. Only to get to that day and it be pushed back again. It has been heart breaking to say the least. We have been so discouraged, and confused.

I am a very transparent person, and not afraid to be myself and share my faults. Most anyone that knows us, know that Tim and I got started off on the wrong foot, what can I say, we were true newly-weds.... at age 20 we decided our marriage... and being together and having fun... was WAY more important that doing the grown up stuff... ya know.... going to work, paying bills ect.... we dug ourself a hole from the beginning..... but BOY did we have fun ;) LOL After that it kinda snow balled. And honestly, we had no idea how to get ourselves out of it so we ignored it for years... and that was NOT fun! :( Well, we began working on it about 4-5 years ago... but 2 years ago WE GOT SERIOUS! I can honestly say that it has only been with God's help that we have even gotten to this point. He has dramatically changed our finances and how we handle them.

That is why this has all been so hard, we feel like we have worked so hard, and then because of the mistakes of someone else, we are now left without a home. We still are not exactly sure what the outcome is. We wait. We had already turned our notice in on this house so we have to be out of here by Wednesday. We do have somewhere to go, but it is heartbreaking that we aren't moving from here to our own home.

At this point we don't really know what to think. Was that not the right house for us? Does He have something better? Is it not the right timing? Is He preparing us for the wait of the adoption? I don't know any of those answers.... but I trust that God has this under control and that there must be a reason for this all. He does hold my life in His hands and He absolutely knows whats best for me.

I have the most amazing husband in the world, 3 fun, fantastic kids with such great big hearts, and 2 children coming as a gift from God all the way from Africa. My walk with God is the most important thing in my life.... after that, my life is my family. No house will EVER mean more to me than them. No THING will ever compare to them. Sometimes God sends situations like this to remind us of how truly blessed we are!

What an awesome God we serve!