On Monday April 23 my life changed forever. My mom called me at 7:02 am, with a call that has rocked me to the core. She found my 34 yr brother, who is 1 yr 4 months older than me, dead in his bedroom. He overdosed on heroin the night before.
And now here I am. Left with the pain and heartache. And the question as to what I am going to do about this. Will I continue to Love Real Big... or will I retreat. Retreating seems safer. If I never get close to anyone again then losing them will not be as painful. Yes, retreating sounds like the best option. If I Love Real Big then when/if I lose them.... then I will Hurt Real Big. That sounds horrible. I do not like that choice.
You see, for years, and I do mean years. I prayed and prayed for my brother. I fasted. I cried. I begged God.. and him.. for a change. To see him set free. To see him live free and enjoy life. I never gave up hope that one day he would be all God created him to be. I imagined him with a family... happy... fulfilled... and living with purpose. I loved him real big. I forgave him.. many times. I opened my arms to him and hugged him tight, believing the best in him. I miss him terribly. And sadly, I never saw him live out his purpose here all this earth. My heart is broken. My dreams were crushed. Why did I love so big, why did I trust so much. Why didn't I just give up and walk away. The pain would be less right now, right? Isn't the loss of one loved one enough? How can I trust that I will never lose another loved one. Losing my dad at age 23 was bad enough, and now this? The sensible thing is to disconnect. Cut my self off.
As these questions and thoughts roll thru my head God speaks..... "you are just who I called to do foster care- continue on." But God, that could mean loss after loss after loss as we attach to these kids and they potentially return home to their families. Am I prepared to deal with that? No I'm not. But He is. He holds my life in His hands. He challenges me to step outside of my fear and continue to Love Real Big- despite the possibility of loss, despite the probability of loss. He is greater than any loss that we may have.
He stands with arms outstretched.... ready to catch us... ready to hold us. He is the peace maker. The ONE and ONLY that can bring peace to our broken hearts.