As I walk the house and clean today, on my day off, I had the christian music channel on the tv. A song started playing that caught my attention. It was What Do I Know of Holy by Addison Road. And just as it caught my attention the lyrics "I think I've made you too small" was sung. My heart sunk and my eyes filled with tears. I have made Him too small. Too small to heal my heart. Too small to fill this void of loss. Too small to even care about my pain.
My heart pounds and aches all at the same time.
It pounds because I know its true. And it aches because it is all my choice. I have to chose to let Him heal me. I have to chose to let Him fill this void. I have to chose to be ok. It's hard though. It's hard to "move on." Because life will never be the same. It will never be "normal" again, it is a new normal. A bad normal, if you ask me. And then comes the hard part. I can chose to let God begin to heal me... or I can wallow in grief, pain and pity for the rest of my life. Yes I have a reason to be grieving and in pain. But that doesn't mean I have to LIVE like that.
I pray to God that I can accept HIS healing and begin to walk in it. And when sad days come I will grieve and be sad, but I chose to not walk around in a state of sadness everyday. I want joy. I want life. I want healing. I want peace. I want love.
God, I pray that you surround me with YOUR healing hands. YOU are the ONLY one that can heal my heart. You are bigger than grief. You are bigger than loss. You are bigger than unanswered questions. You are bigger than my broken heart. I surrender to you.
Forgive me for making You too small.