Thursday, August 30, 2012

Fear, fear and more fear

I hate spiders. Not afraid of them, but I don't like them.

I hate mayonaise. I'm not afraid of it, just don't like it.

But I will tell you. My fears are many. Nope, not really afraid of bugs, critters or animals. I'm not an animal person... at all, yet I don't fear them.

The fears I have are big fears. And if one of those fears ever becomes a reality, well, you better forget it, I look around every corner waiting for all of my fears to come into existence.

For instance, if you are fearful that you will break a leg and you actually really break a leg, then you will then be 10 times more afraid that it will happen again.

In my case it isn't a broken leg.

I have always been afraid of losing people. Not necessarily people walking out on me, but losing them to death.

I don't ever really remember fearing this until age 17 when my dad was diagnosed with stage 4 colon cancer. From that moment on I was extremely fearful. I feared losing him. I feared losing my mom to cancer as well. I feared losing my siblings. ect. The list goes on and on. Well, my dad fought a great fight and lived for 6 years... yes... 6 years with stage 4 cancer. It was a miracle, and yet still wasn't long enough for me. Well, after he died I can remember laying in bed wondering who was going to be next. I had nightmares about Tim dying. I just knew I was about to lose everyone I loved. I was terrified.

I made it almost 10 years and then BAM... out of no where I lost my brother Paul. And wow.... those fears came rushing back in. Who will be next. How will I lose them. Will I survive. The fear is never ending. It went from a "I hope I don't lose someone else to"- "Oh my gosh, when I lose so and so I am not going to make it." Satan plays on those fears.

Losing loved ones are a part of life. A terrible, horrible, awful truth of life.... everyone must die. And those that love them are left to deal with the grief and pain... and fear.

God is the only way thru those dark days. He doesn't promise me that I won't ever lose another loved one. Yet, He does promise me that He will never leave me nor forsake me. And He hasn't.

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