Tuesday, May 24, 2011

Listening to God.

First of all I am disobeying my husband and posting 2 blogs in one day. He actually told me that I should only blog every other day. Well, that is silly I tell you. What if I have more than one thing to share, or like tonight, what if after I blog, I feel the need to share something else? So, I am sorry hun, but I must break your silly rule.

For those of you that know me you will understand this a little more, but others may not. You see, for years, yep, years, I just lived....blah. Nothing special. I basically just tried to survive. After my dad died I suffered from depression, and it just seemed to get worse. I never seemed to be happy. No matter what, I wasn't happy. Oh, I loved the Lord, yet, something was missing. In the last 2 years God has radically changed my life. Day by day, step by step He has brought me to true freedom. I am no longer the depressed, sleep- all-day, never gonna be happy girl. I can honestly say that I have never been happier. Nothing physically has changed, other than Tim and I putting God's principals into action in our life to bring order. For instance, we haven't won the lottery, there hasn't been a giant salary increase and no one is coming to do my laundry for me daily LOL. Life is just life, the same as always. And yet, there is so much peace and joy. I lived for so long thinking I had to be perfect, and when I wasn't, well, LOOK OUT WORLD, because I would spiral down so fast it would scare you. I had the mentality "oh well, I've already messed up now... who cares." Those were my famous last word.... "who cares." Well, I have realized that God does. And He isn't looking for perfection. He is looking for a heart like His. On days like today, when I don't feel great, a little ill, and just want to go to bed early, satan tries to whisper "you're still the same, nothings changed." As I was getting the kids to bed, hollering because they wouldn't put their clothes away and hurry and brush their teeth the devil started on me. "Once a crazy woman, always a crazy woman" (That is how he got me in the past, made me feel crazy!) But instantly I thought of David. He made some huge mistakes, (nothing like me being ill :) ) committed adultery, and murder to cover it up, yet the Lord said that "He was a man after my Own heart." You see, God doesn't love us any less in our weakest moments. I'm pretty sure it is quite the opposite.

I have this picture in my head of one of my children trying so hard to please me, and to do what is right, but they come up short, and they are broken hearted. In that moment, as a mom, my heart is breaking as well. Pride swells up inside my heart as I think "wow, that is my baby!" I believe God is the same way. He is love. When we are unlovable, He continues to love. He is strength. When we are weak, and fail, He is strength. He is joy. When we are hurt, or feeling down. He is joy.

So I am learning that it isn't as important WHAT I am doing, but the heart behind it. He see's my heart and He isn't looking for perfection. That is freedom right there. Knowing that there is grace and mercy when we fail Him.

Acts 13:22

22 And when He had removed him, He raised up for them David as king, to whom also He gave testimony and said, ‘I have found David the son of Jesse, a man after My own heart, who will do all My will.’

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